Fiction Useless Inventions
The Loyal Trolley
A shopping trolley engineered, at considerable expense, to turn only left, on the grounds that a trolley which can go anywhere encourages a shopper who has thought about nothing.
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Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Seagull Declares Chip Shop a Protected Site
The designation covers the pavement, the low wall, the bin, and a strip of air above the doorway that the gull describes as historically significant.
Fiction Tiny Stories
The Traffic Cone That Became a Landmark
It was put over a pothole on Marsh Road in 2011. The pothole was filled in 2013. Nobody has been able to remove the cone since.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Doorbell That Knocks
A small brass fist mounted on the inside of your front door, which knocks politely whenever a visitor presses the button outside.
Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Badger Denies Involvement in Missing Garden Gnome
The gnome went from the rockery on Tuesday night. The badger was in the garden on Tuesday night. The badger describes this as a coincidence of a very ordinary kind.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Slow Torch
A handsome aluminium torch whose beam arrives about three seconds after you point it, so you are always shown where you were looking rather than where you are looking.
Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Duck Files Noise Complaint Against Fountain
The fountain has run since April. The duck has held the north bank since March, and says that order of arrival is the whole point.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Indoor Sundial
A properly engineered brass sundial for the living room, sold with its own small torch, because a sundial indoors has to get its sunlight from somewhere.
Fiction Useless Inventions
The Rewinding Bookmark
A silk bookmark that creeps three pages backwards every night, on the grounds that you were not really paying attention the first time.
Fiction Animal News — Fiction
Heron Issues Statement Regarding the Six Hours
The bird stood in eleven centimetres of water from dawn until early afternoon and wishes to make clear that this was, at all times, work.