Sea Otter Announces Recall of Entire Pebble Collection

MONTEREY BAY — A local sea otter has issued a full recall of her personal pebble collection, citing what she described as an unacceptable decline in cracking performance.

The otter, who keeps her tools in a loose pouch of skin beneath her left foreleg, told reporters that three of the four stones had begun to chip on impact. Sea otters really do carry a favourite rock in exactly that pocket, and they really do use it to smash open clams and mussels while floating on their backs, which makes them one of the very few mammals outside the primates to use tools at all. Losing a good rock is a genuine setback. Some otters keep the same one for years.

The recall was announced at a short press conference held entirely at sea, with every participant wrapped in kelp so the group would not drift apart mid-sentence. That part is real too: otters anchor themselves in seaweed to keep from floating away while they sleep. Questions were taken. Most were about lunch.

Affected pebbles may be returned to the seabed at any tide. The otter said she has already identified a promising replacement, granite, slightly oval, and is currently putting it through what she called extended field testing on a mussel.